BBQ and random thoughts

Niki has reached the funny faces whenever someone tries to take a picture phase

It wasn't too warm today, but we decided to have a BBQ anyway and had a really good time. I went all out, we had Bratwurst, Chicken, Rosemary Potatoes, white cabbage salad and 'stick bread' (Stockbrot), we played T-Ball and climbed on the slide. All in all a good day.

The one thing I am thinking of a lot right now is our future and I was thinking about it again, today while we played outside and I considered how I could change the landscape of the garden. To back of a bit, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to leave Germany and move to the USA, England was always a second option. Fast forward and I spend a year as Au pair in the USA and afterwards moved to the UK were I lived for 9 years, before I moved back home. I spend my early 20s in Newcastle and it was were I needed to be to find myself as a person and become independent in so many ways. 

I moved because I wanted to be a mom and I wanted my kids to grow up with their grandma. My 'plan' was always so move back abroad once my mom passed away but I didn't think this would be until my kids would be at least 10. As you know my mom passed away unexpectedly 18 month ago and for the past year I am trying to figure out what to do.

Being a mom, makes it so much more complicated. I can't just pack up and move. My dream of the US is still strong as ever but even if I would win a Greencard the realistic me is not happy the way the US is heading political and diversity wise. Not to mention health care is expensive and I do have a kiddo that has cancer. I think as much as I love the US at this point in time, it would not be an option and I don't know if it ever again will be.

England and Newcastle is my other love and I always figured I would move back sometime. OK Brexit is a concern and I need to see what happens there but that's it.

The thing is right now Germany is good for us. We are in a good financial place that is getting stronger each year and if we move, we would make a financial loss, no matter were we move too. I own my house but selling it would not make us a lot of money, due to the area we live in. The house is not my dream home but I have lot's of different plans in my head on how to change things, both in the house and garden.  I am in the position to not have to work full time, which means I can follow my passion of homesteading and spend more time with my kids. I will most likely go back to full time once the kids go to school. 
The kids will have a good and free education here, which is another factor why Germany is good to us now. Not to mention I am very happy with the clinic in Göttingen that is treating Jacob. Plus staying means I can pursue my dream of a third child, which has always been a dream of mine too.

As you can see the logical part tells me to follow the logic and stay put but how can you give up and not follow your heart? It's so frustrating and something I think about often. I am still not closer to figuring out what to do. Though the most likely thing will be that we will settle for the time being and review everything once the kids are 10, like original planned before my mom passed away.